The Journey | Part I: Darkness

There was this boy. He failed his academic thesis, with a grade F, simply because he didn't submit anything. He failed to lead a huge group of people in getting results that they wanted. They ran blindly to nowhere with blurred directions. Also, he was terrible in fulfilling his commitments with his friends and family. But the worst thing was, he always bore things on his shoulders and unintentionally magnified many small mistakes as his faults.

The feeling was so sucky. The feeling of failing was so horrible, so scary, so overwhelming. He told himself, he cannot fail anymore. He wanted success, he wanted to prove to the whole world how great he is. He became very obsessive and he craved for success crazily. He set very high goals. He wanted to get dean list results in the last 2 semesters. He kept telling himself he must go back and hold a bigger role, take a bigger responsibility, lead a bigger team to achieve a bigger goal. He started drafting all silly personal timetable and schedules, even for the most trivial thing in life. He thought every single thing in life matters so so much, every single thing must be perfect and they can't run away from 'success'. He can't accept the smallest uncertainty and imperfection, because he deemed those things as big big failures. He defined himself as failure when things didn't go well. Those days, that kind of life was so painful, so suffering. He wanted a two-hundred and three-hundred percents level of success for every single thing in life. It was extremely abnormal and over.

And such kind of crazy expectations created huge pressure. Because he had been failing for numerous times in the past 1 year, it was so difficult for him to believe that he can do it. In fact every second he was doubting on his own capability, his own worthiness and his own values. At certain point he would think that he is kind of useless like a garbage. Every thing became so difficult for him, even though he has the capability for it, and in fact he had done it well before. Furthermore, he demanded himself to achieve two-hundred and three-hundred percents for everything in life now. It was like demanding self to become someone amazing but at the same time he chose not to believe that himself is amazing.

Because they were so hard, because he deemed himself as failure, because he subconsciously believed that he can't do a lot of things, he just felt like running away from everything. Because running away is the fastest "method" to avoid failure, to avoid pain, to avoid all those negative memories again. Sometimes he slept whole day, sometimes he sat in front of the computer and think of all kinds of negative bullshits. He just barely make progress on anything. He became more and more last minute, because he didn't even have the will to progress. Sometimes he made lies to cover his lack of progress. Sometimes he tried to find all possible ways to run away from commitments. He can close himself in a room for days and weeks doing nothing, but pressuring himself with all those internal monolog that went on everyday. 

He knew that he was in deep trouble. But he didn't know how to solve it, he didn't know why, he didn't even know what were his problems. Because it was very complex and complicated for him. He tried to find some trustworthy person to seek for help, but no avail. And he didn't even feel like telling the problems to some people, because for him it was shameful to tell, it was a failure to tell others that he is a failure.