The Journey | Part III: Final Test

While he was in Yangon, he received a message and a call. An opportunity came and he was invited to be back to AIESEC again. He was extremely excited for a big challenge again, but at the same time he fell into the mindset of "200-300% effort" again. As usual, when he had something on his to-do list, that thing will automatically branched out into 200-300 things, because his thoughts would ask him to put 200-300% effort to achieve a 200-300% results, anything less than that weren't tolerable at all. He not only became a perfectionist, but he became so afraid of failures. He  had totally forgotten the 20-80 principle. The only thing in his mind was to do more and more and more then only he can achieve more and more and more. He started those stressful and pressuring thoughts again when he was in his last stop at Laos, thinking and fearing on all the 200-300% things that he has to do in his mind.

So he accepted the invitation, and at the same time he got the momentum and he intended to do more, to apply for more roles. He started to give himself some empty beliefs that he can do a lot of wonders. He started a lot of day dreaming of successful moments, they looked so good and so cool. He thought he was coming to a 100% recovery very soon. His beliefs towards success were coming back. But the reality wasn't so simple. His executions later were far from satisfactory level. 

He was so excited to be back to Malaysia, because he had hundreds of amazing and wonderful (In his opinion) things to do on his to-do list. He kept imagining himself doing those things and he couldn't wait to realise those moments. But his AIESEC role gave him a very huge challenge. Those challenges pushed him to his edge to really test whether he had recovered 100% or not. In fact they were his final test. The highest bounce always comes from the deepest and strongest strike. At that point of time he didn't realise that he was quite empty. A lot of crucial skills (resources management, goal-oriented KPI skill) weren't on his hands and in fact he had lost/forgotten some skills (team management, training planning, people structure HR skills), or simply because he had never equipped himself completely with those skills (because the training/learning he received last time was pretty not systematic). All of these gaps caused him to keep failing and failing. 

As the issue of 'craving for success' was still quite imminent, he felt very anxious, tensed, pressured in the entire process, especially when results didn't turn out well. And then he had more and more roles, more responsibilities, more planning and more challenges to tackle when the team wasn't performing. He felt overwhelmed and he started to be afraid again. He wanted to avoid and run away from those huge burdens again. Because everything seemed so big, so hard for him. 

In the 3 months between October to December of 2015, he had so many inner thoughts and in fact his personal core values had been changing everyday through his intensive self-evaluation. He was so excited during the beginning, kept imagining the moment when he brought the team to achieve results. He put a lot of dedication and hardwork in the role and responsibility. He conducted meetings, trainings, education sessions. He will make calls to ask those experienced one and learned from them. But success wasn't so easy. Failures prompted him to reflect and reevaluate himself. He troubleshooted the non-achievements, and tried very hard to find ways to solve it. Reevaluation meeting, reset new goals. Putting very strict weekly priority on himself, forcing himself to follow it. But everything was so overwhelming, it seemed so hard and so difficult. He started to burn out and feel like not doing, feel like delaying, procrastinating, avoiding, running away. 

Starting from the mid of November, he was struggling very seriously. He was lost at certain point of time, not having very clear end goal and direction on where did he want to head towards. He just did all mere minimum and required processes. Furthermore, time didn't wait for him. Multiple things came in again that forced him to bear up more and more commitments. Part time jobs, facilitating opportunity, president application (which he promised himself to go for it).