The Journey | Part IV: Stand Up

He didn't handle all those huge commitments and promises well. He sought for some external help, he read some articles and books, but still they weren't sorted out. He ran to Cambodia once again.

The role wasn't very challenging if he was who he was in the past. But this time he went there with great pressures and all those backlogged he didn't finish/achieve (But he supposed to). Although his dad told him that worries are the biggest enemy for human being, he still can't absorb it well, because his subconscious mind wasn't changed. The smallest obstacle he faced in Cambodia (Eg: Cant mingle well with extroverts, can't connect well with the team, can't come out ideas in choreographing dances) gave him great pressure and made him felt that he is useless again. Luckily there were still some really kind people who gave him some love and care. He gained inspirations there. The most powerful one would be from his chairperson, whom told him that:

"I believe everyone in this world is destined to achieve certain highest point in life. And this highest point only belongs to him/her, it's extremely unique and no one else could achieve that besides him/her."

"Every single personality is neutral, they have both sides, depends on how you view them, perceive them, use them. They are biological, hard to change, but once you appreciate them, they can be so powerful."

He was struck. He finally recalled back his strengths, his values, his powerful skills, his strong mindsets, his good parts and his passion. He started to acknowledge and accept his weaknesses as part of him. He realised that he had ignored them all the while, for more than a year. He kept thinking that he is not good and any good parts that he witnessed on others, he wanted to have that. The fact that he didn't have those things made him feel that he was useless. But this thought was wrong, absolutely wrong! He realised that he had not been appreciating himself at all, but keep condemning himself as a useless person. And he realised that he did not accept his weaknesses at all, in fact he took them as the biggest enemy, some nightmare that would traumatise him. He was really really afraid of people revealing and talking about those weaknesses. But now he learned that those weaknesses don't define him as failure, they don't harm him as a person.

He also once again recalled, realised, and reaffirmed his passion for leadership, for youth development. His chairperson's experience from jumping from a local level vice president to a national president gave him inspirations, motivation and confidence that he can do it and he should do it as well. His determination is back! Really, finally it's back.

Back to Malaysia again. He left 5 days to do TWO president applications. It seemed like a mission impossible. He would definitely feel super stressful and intended to give up if he was who he was in the past 1.5 years. But this time he didn't. He kept reminding himself the word that his chair told him. "Everyone has that powerful strengths and values that, only him/her can make it the best and most powerful one.". He started to believe himself and he started to take actions. 

Although the process was super hard, super scary. And he was still quite stressful, but this time the stress wasn't because of the work anymore, it wasn't from his own doubts anymore. He didn't think that he is useless and he can't do it anymore. The stress was purely from the tight timeline, it seemed like a mission impossible. Everyday he had that few moments thinking of giving up because it seemed really impossible to complete so many questions on time. But he kept telling himself he can, he keep forcing himself to recall his strengths and his powerful attributes, then he gained confidence and continued moving on. He started making progress, the more he had done, the more confidence he gained, and he kept moving. All those small steps and smallest progress gave him huge confidence and hope and belief that he can do it, he moved on. 

At the end, he didn't manage to do it. He left 7 questions unanswered, around 30% not done. 2 hours away from the deadline, he was so so so tired and exhausted. He stopped doing it. It might sound like a disappointing ending once again and he seemed like a failure again. But unlike one year ago (where he gave up on similar thing), this time he did not have any guilty and negative feeling. In fact, he felt satisfied, he felt empowered, he felt fulfilling. He knew he is someone worthy, he knew he has great capability and power. He knew he is not a failure. He knew how to appreciate himself. He knew achieving 70% progress in 5 days time is a great achievement. A really really very very great achievement for someone who doubted himself very much in the first place, for someone who has been taking himself as a failure in the past 1.5 years. He made a great step forward and he ran out from the past! He finally broke the chain that locked him with his past.